1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,500 Thank you. Hey, this is the life, isn't it? 2 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:08,679 Oh! 3 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:09,919 We have been invited here 4 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,279 as esteemed members of the business community. 5 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,839 Could you just start looking a bit more esteem-worthy? 6 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:16,279 I hate museums. 7 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:19,439 Yeah, but this isn't some sort of dusty, old, fossily place any more, is it? 8 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:22,239 Look, they've even got a Shakespeare-aoke booth! 9 00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,639 Ooh! Dropped your shopping list there. 10 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:27,519 Oh. Speech, actually, for my sins. 11 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:29,879 Aw! Here you are, neck that. I haven't even had a sip. 12 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:32,279 Best not. I need my wits about me. 13 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:37,530 You know what you want to do? Just picture everybody here naked. 14 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:42,239 - Thank you, Sigmund Freud. - What?! That's what you're supposed to do! 15 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:44,199 ...But we'll never be defeated! 16 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,319 Deleted, mistreated, but we'll never be defeated! 17 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,599 Deleted, mistreated, but we'll never be defeated! 18 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,159 Deleted, mistreated, but we'll never be defeated! 19 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:54,559 Hashtag what the hell? 20 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,159 Oh, the evening's looking up. 21 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:58,039 ...But we'll never be defeated! 22 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:01,359 - Get rid of them! Get rid of them! - ..But we'll never be defeated! 23 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:04,359 Deleted, mistreated, but we'll never be defeated! 24 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,479 Deleted, mistreated, but we'll never be defeated! 25 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:11,599 Um... h-hello, and, er... welcome. 26 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:15,159 Um... please excuse the interruption, 27 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:19,039 although what's a party without a few gate-crashers? 28 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:22,540 Typical man, dodging the awkward questions. 29 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:24,679 So, do tell, 30 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:28,799 why have you deleted the important women of the town's history? 31 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,679 No, no, no-one's been deleted. 32 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:35,639 Suffragettes, lawyers, warriors, academics, 33 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:40,119 all consigned to storage while we make way for yet more Shakespeare. 34 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:43,639 I would like to thank my venerated colleague for her opinion, 35 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:46,039 but I am proud to be at the helm 36 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:50,290 of a new Shakespeare Centre of International Repute. 37 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:55,667 Yes, you keep telling yourself that, Sir Tim. 38 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:02,719 I would like to introduce the man who was inspirational 39 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:06,839 in this reinvention - the curator, Mr Lucian Shaw. 40 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:18,319 Er... well, possibly the champagne has got the better of Lucian. 41 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:22,279 So I will ask Jasra, our Head of Antiquities, 42 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:25,960 to help me with the, er... ribbon-cutting. 43 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,599 Um... perhaps my wife, er... 44 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:40,350 would do me the honour of standing at my side? 45 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,159 Shoot me now. 46 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,399 And this is prosecco, not champagne. 47 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,279 Go home, Athena. 48 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:50,919 Happily. 49 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,920 I wonder where my bloody curator is?! 50 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,119 The actual Society of Herstorians? 51 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,039 Yeah, with placards and everything. 52 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,359 Oh, that's like seeing a herd of unicorns! 53 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,439 Angry, feminist unicorns. 54 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:37,399 I can't believe you took Frank and not me! 55 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,279 Yeah, sorry. But Frank's like the old museum, isn't he? 56 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,359 In need of a cultural overhaul. 57 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:47,444 That's true. Frank could be way more interesting and relevant. 58 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,014 I am sitting here, you know. 59 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:54,140 I, um... I need to report a missing person. 60 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:57,199 Lucian Shaw, he's my curator. 61 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:00,119 He hasn't been seen since his no-show last night. 62 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,959 - But how do you know he's missing? - He wouldn't just not show up! 63 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,359 This is an important day for the museum. 64 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,799 Could he have just felt a bit pressured and decided to go AWOL? 65 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,439 Or do you think some well-meaning idiot 66 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,319 could've said something really inappropriate and made him run away? 67 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:14,839 Well, he didn't go home, 68 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,879 he's not answering the telephone. 69 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:20,079 He hasn't been admitted to hospital. It's completely out of character! 70 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:26,279 My gut says it's Dr Middleton and those fearsome feminist scolds! 71 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:30,999 Your gut really ought to refer to them as The Society of Herstorians. 72 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:35,279 Yes, well, they'd do anything to torpedo my museum. With me in it! 73 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:38,679 Small thing - why not just go to the police? 74 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:40,519 No, no, not... not the police. 75 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,559 This is a potential PR disaster! 76 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,999 We've already stirred up quite enough controversy. 77 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,599 So, how long have you worked with this Lucian? 78 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:49,919 Er... 79 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,079 Well, I-I-I hired him straight out of Cambridge. 80 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:54,079 He was the pick of the bunch. 81 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,559 I-I brought him to the British Library 82 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,639 and then the Museum of Scotland, and now the Arden Museum 83 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,679 about, um... about 12 years ago. 84 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,600 Ooh! 85 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,279 Ah! Look! 86 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,799 - Sorry about - your lost property. 87 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,279 Middleton! 88 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:16,599 Yes, it's got her toxic female fingerprints all over it! 89 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,399 Well, we don't know that for sure, do we? 90 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,159 It's important for us to be methodical. 91 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,919 I'm going to get over there! 92 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,520 Excuse me! 93 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:33,200 Here lies a wretched corpse... Hyah! 94 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:38,799 ...of wretched soul bereft. 95 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,719 Hyah! 96 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:43,359 Seek not my name, 97 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:48,439 a plague consume you wicked caitiffs left! 98 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:51,239 - Hyah! - Middleton?! 99 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:54,519 Ah, Middleton! Where is he?! 100 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,199 Maybe he's lost somewhere in the 19th century, 101 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,839 along with your attitudes. 102 00:05:58,840 --> 00:05:59,850 Lucian? 103 00:05:59,852 --> 00:06:02,879 Oh, for the last time, I don't have your curator! 104 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:05,759 - Have the Herstorians got him? - I don't know, you'll have to ask them, 105 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,079 if you can find them. And good luck with that. 106 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,399 No-one knows who they are, not even me. 107 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:11,879 Please! You're one of them. 108 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,279 I mean, I-I-I'd bet 5,000 crowns on it. 109 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:17,559 Ha-ha-ha-ha! Well, thank you, I'm very flattered, but, no. 110 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,759 No, I'm far too old to get up to that kind of mischief. 111 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:25,560 Anyway, anonymity's not my style, as well you know. 112 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:30,759 Well, if anything has happened to Lucian, his blood will be on your hands! 113 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,759 Ooh, gosh! Bit early for melodrama. 114 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,879 I warn you, I've got top investigators looking into this. 115 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:39,519 Then let battle commence. 116 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,399 I will crush you! 117 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,799 Not if I crush you first! 118 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:47,400 Hyah! 119 00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,879 Oh, she's pleading ignorance! 120 00:06:56,880 --> 00:07:00,159 These angry women types, they're all in bed together. 121 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:01,719 Metaphorically speaking. 122 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,679 Let's not jump to any conclusions. 123 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,559 There's lots of other leads we can follow. 124 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,399 Do you know anything about his personal life? 125 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,599 No. Why should I? 126 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:13,039 We'll, we're going to have a look at this, 127 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,519 check his recent movements, talk to museum staff. 128 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,639 From security. It's all they had. They only keep 48 hours' worth. 129 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:22,119 Right! Great! Well, that should keep Sebastian busy. shouldn't it? 130 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,999 It's all interior CCTV. Public areas only. 131 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,799 So I'm not sure how useful it'll be. 132 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:30,039 Yes, we've been having teething problems with our new security systems. 133 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,119 - Teething problems? - The new humidity and temperature controls. 134 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,399 Vital for conservation purposes. 135 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,359 They make massive demands on the circuits. 136 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,599 Anyway, I've been called down to the Arts Council. 137 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,879 I shan't be back at my office until late. 138 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:45,439 Here's my address in Woods Lane. I shall be there tonight. 139 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:46,839 - Thank you. - OK, thank you. 140 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,079 Well, I'll better get back, make Sebastian's day. 141 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:50,759 Here. 142 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:52,919 You'd better take this, as well. 143 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,039 - Safe side. - OK. Huh-huh! 144 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,560 - See you. - See you. 145 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,119 Where are you up to? 146 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:17,119 Camera seven - Manuscript Gallery. 147 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:21,079 Care to share 20 gripping minutes of one woman and her vacuum cleaner? 148 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,319 It's tedious. I'm sorry. 149 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,639 Tedious? This is Kafkaesque. 150 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:27,999 I feel like I'm stuck in some black-and-white CCTV nightmare. 151 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,439 Oh. Well, here's a bit of colour for you. 152 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,199 That's alarming. 153 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,119 It's really good, isn't it? 154 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,879 Do I spy a potential new recruit? 155 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,039 Yeah, I did actually think that would be a good way in, 156 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,239 but it's impossible. Cos you click on their "Contact Us" bit 157 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,119 and you just get a load of shouty manifesto. 158 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:45,759 Don't you mean woman-i-festo? 159 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,479 That's very good! 160 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,879 There's loads of pictures of them online doing demos and sit-ins and stuff, 161 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,159 but you just can't identify any of them. 162 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:57,994 They're really mysterious. They're like a group of Banksys. 163 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,827 I'm a bit stumped, to be honest. 164 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,559 Progress? 165 00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:07,704 Well, look, I've traced Lucian's every word, 166 00:09:07,705 --> 00:09:09,799 thought and deed since this time last week. 167 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:12,279 Found sod all, except his bicycle. 168 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:15,319 Well, you must have found something. He can't have just vanished! 169 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:18,154 Yeah, there was a banana in a bag. 170 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,660 Are you eating it? 171 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:23,559 No. 172 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,400 You are, aren't you? 173 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,839 Well, look, it'd only go to waste otherwise. 174 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,279 Right, well, when you've finished one of your five a day, 175 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:35,679 could you get yourself down to Dr M's house and ask her some questions? 176 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,439 No, I can't, I'm afraid. 177 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:40,199 I've got a date with a strong, blonde Belgian. 178 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:44,700 Right, let me guess - a guest ale at the Mucky Mallard? 179 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,279 Oh, busted. Hm! 180 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,719 Come on, Frank, one of us has got to find something out 181 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,479 before Sir Tim checks in later. 182 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,759 Fine! But if they run out of Donker Oudekiirk, 183 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,760 it'll be on your conscience forever. 184 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,520 It won't be. 185 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:03,054 From now on, I'm just going to eat fruit. 186 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,200 Jaffa Cakes don't count! 187 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,759 Prepare for mirth. 188 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,679 You're supposed to say, "For mirth be..." 189 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:19,839 Never mind. I'm done! 190 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:23,319 11 hours and 43 minutes' worth. 191 00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:27,930 Brilliant. What have you found? 192 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:30,879 We've got Lucian, here. 193 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,359 Camera 4, 18:31. 194 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,159 He's here, he's holding his index card, practising his speech. 195 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,319 Oh! That must be around about when he met him. 196 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:42,199 He loiters by the drinks' table for a couple of minutes, 197 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,399 but then the footage blips out 198 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:48,879 until Camera 5 picks him up at 18:46, 199 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:51,719 as he heads towards the Shakespeare-aoke. 200 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,879 Ah, Sebastian, you would have loved that. It was amazing! 201 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,639 I gave my Lady Macbeth at Sydney Opera House. 202 00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,479 It was a wonderful stage. It was actually surprisingly intimate... 203 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,559 Are you trying to ruin my epiphany? 204 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,239 No. Sorry. Go on. 205 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,599 But then we lose his trail again, 206 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:12,999 until Camera 7 finds him near the cloakroom at 18:49. 207 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,479 - Where did he go then? - Nowhere. 208 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,559 - He's gone. - Are you sure? 209 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,919 I have checked EVERY camera. 210 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,420 That's the last we see of him. 211 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:28,017 But if the Herstorians did take him out... 212 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:32,177 - ...how did they get him out? - And when? 213 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,080 Oh! Oh, I think I know! 214 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:42,654 So the security guards took the Herstorians back outside 215 00:11:42,655 --> 00:11:45,675 and then Sir Tim stepped up onto the stage to make a speech. 216 00:11:45,676 --> 00:11:46,659 18:53. 217 00:11:46,661 --> 00:11:48,780 Yeah, but they were still chanting outside. 218 00:11:48,781 --> 00:11:51,439 So I remember, I looked outside 219 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,879 and I saw a van. 220 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,679 - A van? - Yes. 221 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:58,359 It was a van, and it was revving its engine while he was talking, 222 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,279 and it was blue and it was a bit grubby. 223 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,999 Had a dent! Had a dent in the driver's door. 224 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,359 Methinks the lady finally hath the hot lead. 225 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:08,719 Yes! Well done, me! Huh! 226 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:12,279 Right, get yourself down to that museum and track down that van. 227 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:15,519 Although 'tis pity the lady hath not remembered it 228 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,439 before I endured an eternity of CCTV footage. 229 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:21,120 Yes. Sorry about that. Hm-hm! 230 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,990 - It's a celebration one. - Mm-hm. 231 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,360 Halt! 232 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:45,639 So, Sir Tim says you've got it in for him and his museum. 233 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,119 Huh! Museum? 234 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,119 That glorified gift shop 235 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:52,870 that ordinary people now have to pay to enter. 236 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,479 I don't suppose you've got any idea where Lucian is, do you? 237 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,799 He's a grown man. 238 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:02,399 People should stop treating him like a missing child, or a lost puppy. 239 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:03,719 So you don't know anything? 240 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,359 Well, If I did, I wouldn't tell... 241 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,839 Oh! 242 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,799 So you and Sir Tim have got history? 243 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,919 Sir Tim has proved to be yet another male philistine who knows 244 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:22,639 the price of everything and the value of nothing. 245 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,400 As far as I'm concerned, Sir Tim is history. 246 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:29,399 Allez! 247 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:30,559 Oh! 248 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:32,919 Oh, bless you! 249 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,319 You all right? What happened? 250 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:37,760 Cats! 251 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:44,599 "Purr-icles, Stratford's Favourite Shakespearean Cat Cafe." 252 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,080 Oh, dear! 253 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:50,799 Thank you. 254 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:54,919 I went to the museum, I tracked down your blue van to a cat cafe, 255 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,439 but the manageress would only let me speak to her 256 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,239 if I was a paying customer. 257 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:00,639 You're so brave! 258 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,719 Kenneth Branagh wouldn't get off my lap, 259 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,999 Dame Judi kept trying to lick my crumpet, 260 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,879 and after all that it turned out the van was just delivering leaflets. 261 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,080 Oh. 262 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:11,280 Hello? 263 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:14,799 Why didn't you warn me I was walking into the bloomin' 264 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:15,839 Battle of Agincourt? 265 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:16,879 What? 266 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,920 I could've been skewered like last night's kebab. 267 00:14:18,921 --> 00:14:19,599 Oh... 268 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:20,799 I'm missing something. 269 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,999 Yes, you are - the fact that I stared death in the face. 270 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,919 Oh, stop being dramatic! 271 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,254 That's my thing. 272 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,959 Lucian was last seen at the cloakroom at 18.49, 273 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,519 and the van left during Sir Tim's speech. 274 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,319 But if he wasn't in it... 275 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,799 If you make me watch one more minute of CCTV 276 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,800 I am running away to join the circus. 277 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,519 Oh! 278 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,639 There was another getaway vehicle. 279 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,890 Or... he never actually got away at all. 280 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,720 Oh... 281 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,440 Never mind him - me! 282 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,279 I was wondering... 283 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:03,439 Yeah? 284 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,399 Do you think Sir Tim cares this much about all his employees, 285 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:07,879 or just Lucian? 286 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:09,880 What are you getting at? 287 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,199 Some of the boxes are humidity controlled. 288 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,784 Ask if you want to look inside. 289 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,600 - Lucian? - Lucian? 290 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,359 Homo stultus? 291 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:27,799 Latin. 292 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,639 Idiot man. 293 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:30,919 Is it all right if I... 294 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:31,960 Go ahead. 295 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,557 Don't just stand there. 296 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:42,839 It was awful. 297 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,924 - They didn't hurt... - Custard cream? 298 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:53,919 They said they were teaching the museum a lesson by removing me 299 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,359 from public view, consigning me to storage, and leaving me there 300 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:58,399 to be forgotten. 301 00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,959 Like the suffragette exhibition. 302 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:00,999 Yeah, exactly. 303 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,834 Do you want another custard cream? 304 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:09,159 Well, you weren't forgotten about, not for a second. 305 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,799 Do you think you could you identify them? 306 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,119 No. Possibly their voices, 307 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,839 but they kept those creepy masks on the whole time. 308 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,160 And look... 309 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,679 Oh. "Payback time." 310 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,479 They said that if I don't reinstate the important women of 311 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,119 the town's history, they'll tattoo it on me. 312 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,479 Like a human placard. 313 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:29,519 Nice. 314 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:32,799 And then they made me spend a ghastly night alone with that 315 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,559 horrific mummified woman. 316 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:38,079 Give us half an hour and I'll drive you home. 317 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,199 Don't worry. I'll drive you home. 318 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,359 Yeah, Sir Tim, this is Frank Hathaway. 319 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,839 Ah, good news. 320 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:46,439 One curator, found and returned. 321 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,319 Yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow. 322 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:49,640 Bye. 323 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,759 No, it's just a basic facial cos he's still quite puffy. 324 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,839 You know, he's quite sensitive to cats. 325 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:15,399 Well, I'm glad you've spent our hard-earned fee 326 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,399 before we've even cashed the cheque. 327 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:18,919 What the... 328 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,599 Sorry, I really can't tell you any more than that. 329 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:24,119 Yeah, you can tell us, though, can't you, PC Deacon? 330 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:25,839 Not unless you're museum staff. 331 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,879 Well, we are contracted labour, in the pay of the museum, 332 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,679 - so technically... - No, I'm sorry. 333 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:31,959 What's happening? 334 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,359 The museum's been sectioned off until further notice. 335 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,279 Well, what about my artefacts? 336 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,319 The dust alone, it's a constant daily battle - 337 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:39,999 I have to temperature-control things. 338 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,239 Are you museum staff? 339 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,359 Erm... Yeah. 340 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:45,359 Well, then I'm sorry to have to tell you this, 341 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,799 but the museum director's been found dead this morning 342 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,279 in suspicious circumstances. 343 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,399 - Oh, that's awful. - In his own museum. 344 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,599 I only spoke to him yesterday evening. 345 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:58,679 In that case, you're going to need to give a statement to the DS. 346 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:01,599 - We're, ah, really, really sorry. - Yeah. 347 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:05,879 But we're late with the rent, so if I could leave that with you. 348 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:07,719 Sir Tim hired you personally. 349 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,759 We couldn't possibly pay you out of museum funds. 350 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,427 - But I... - If you'll excuse me. 351 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,319 Wow. That was insensitive. 352 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,599 I know! Thinks a lot of herself, that one. 353 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,679 - No, I mean you! - What? 354 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,439 You. That was... 355 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,799 Oh, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse. 356 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,279 What are you two doing here? 357 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:26,319 Just passing. 358 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:28,639 This isn't one of your shabby scratch-n-sniffs. 359 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,119 This is a murder investigation. 360 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:34,599 It behoves you to remember the boundaries, Frank. 361 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:35,999 Behoves? 362 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,920 It behoves my backside! 363 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:42,327 - Did I just say that out loud? - Yeah. 364 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,439 You know, the difference between you and a real detective, Frank, 365 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:50,239 is instead of weighing up the facts, you always see the worst in people. 366 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:53,439 Which is why you will always be a bottom-feeder. 367 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,774 - You... - It's not worth it. 368 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,399 Say hi to Sebastian for me. 369 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,279 Yeah, I will do, Viola. 370 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:04,239 So it looks like the Herstorians have chalked up their first murder. 371 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:07,159 I think we should pay our condolences to the widow. 372 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,519 Very decent of you. 373 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,354 What is the definition of behoves? 374 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:31,199 Lady Forbes-Allen, hello. 375 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,599 - We met briefly at... - I remember. 376 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:35,679 Right. Yeah. 377 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,359 So we were just passing, and, erm... 378 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,999 We wanted to come and tell you how sorry we are to hear about Sir Tim. 379 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,759 Must have been a terrible shock. 380 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,260 Thoughtful of you. 381 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:47,959 Oh, gardening? 382 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,039 It's a... 383 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:50,639 Yeah, I suppose that's a good way 384 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,559 to take your mind off things, isn't it? 385 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,359 Well, of course I've had all manner of demands on my time today, 386 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,759 but the helianthus simply won't wait, so... 387 00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,519 Ah, there is one thing. 388 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:03,020 The small matter of an outstanding invoice. 389 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,684 You'd better come inside. 390 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,919 This really is a lovely house. 391 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:16,254 Yeah, it's, ah... sumptious. 392 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:21,279 There you are. 393 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:22,440 Thank you. 394 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,519 I must say you do seem remarkably OK, under the circumstances. 395 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,999 I suppose it hasn't really sunk in yet? 396 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,239 Possibly not. 397 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,079 I might even miss the old fool, 398 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:38,279 though it's common knowledge ours was a marriage of convenience. 399 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:39,519 Really? 400 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,199 He was cultured, I was wealthy. 401 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:45,919 Not what you'd call a love match, but it suited us. 402 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:50,559 We were about to mark our 40th wedding anniversary. 403 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:52,679 Oh, wow. That really is a milestone. 404 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,279 Indeed. 405 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:58,399 Celebrate would be the wrong word, considering the banal sacrifices 406 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:01,719 one makes within the confines of a marriage. 407 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,240 There it is. 408 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:07,079 I don't suppose you've got any idea who did it? 409 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:08,719 I've already told the police. 410 00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:12,039 Sir Tim's social media was a toxic swamp. 411 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:15,457 The man literally had millions of enemies. 412 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,719 And now, if you don't mind... 413 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:19,840 Sorry. 414 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:30,159 Ha-ha. Hey! 415 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,639 Thank you! 416 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,119 That's it, then, isn't it? 417 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:34,199 Job done. 418 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,839 Yeah. Bit of a relief, really. 419 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,439 Wouldn't want to be the one to have to find the killer. 420 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:40,839 Yeah, lucky escape. 421 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,319 Not for Sir Tim. Poor bloke. 422 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,959 What a way to go, eh? 423 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,959 Yeah, it's hard to believe, isn't it, really? 424 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,960 Because he seemed so posh and clever. 425 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:52,079 Talking of posh and clever. 426 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:54,359 Oh, hello. How's the puffiness? 427 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:56,839 Abating, as long as I keep my feet up. 428 00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:58,519 - Poor lamb. - Lazy sod. 429 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,599 Just a quick one. I've seen on Dr Middleton's online feed 430 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:05,679 that's she's about to make a statement outside the museum. 431 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,040 You're welcome. 432 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,159 Shall we? 433 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,200 Yeah. 434 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:27,439 A crime committed not just against the women of history, 435 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,274 but against us, their descendants. 436 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,599 My forthcoming book, 437 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:38,399 Burning Down the Bard: Debunking an Outdated Legacy, 438 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:43,679 attempts to address this particular patriarchal injustice. 439 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:50,559 But there are times in life when the sword is mightier than the pen. 440 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,040 Therefore... 441 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:58,999 ...I solemnly confess to the murder of Sir Tim Forbes-Allen. 442 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,959 Are you sure you want to do this here? 443 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:03,319 - Cuff me! - That's really not necessary. 444 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:04,959 Yeah, cuff me, or I'll resist. 445 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,839 Dr Helen Middleton, I am arresting you for the murder 446 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,079 of Sir Timothy Forbes-Allen. 447 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,479 You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence 448 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:13,479 if you do not mention when questioned something 449 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:14,879 which you later rely on in court. 450 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:16,999 Anything you do say may be given in evidence. 451 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,319 Sound trumpets! 452 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,559 Let our bloody colours wave! 453 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:26,760 And either victory, or else a grave! 454 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:29,399 Wow. 455 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:32,119 Was that a confession or a plug for her new book? 456 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:35,287 There's no such thing as bad publicity. 457 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,479 Dr M ticks all the boxes. 458 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,399 Means, motive, opportunity. 459 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,319 Nah, she's an insufferable, self-promoting narcissist, 460 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:44,799 but I don't think she's the killer. 461 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,134 Another day, another dollar. 462 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:50,599 Why do I feel like I've been invaded by fruit? 463 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,759 I was just trying to be healthy. 464 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:54,959 Might have got a bit carried away. 465 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:58,239 Oh, Sir Tim certainly has his fair share of death threats. 466 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,359 They're not killers - they're trolls, 467 00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:03,239 going nuclear over whether Shakespeare's got a Van Dyke beard 468 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:04,839 or a common chinstrap. 469 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,639 Any fool knows that a common chinstrap connects transversely 470 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,679 to the sideburns, whereas a Van Dyke is a totally 471 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:11,279 different matter... 472 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:12,679 Thank God. 473 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,430 I didn't know where else to turn. 474 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,399 So when did you last have this letter? 475 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:26,799 It was tucked it into my breast pocket last week. 476 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,679 It could've fallen out anywhere between home and the museum - 477 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:31,559 it could even be among Sir Tim's things. 478 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:35,359 If you're hiring us to find it, it must be pretty important. 479 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,679 The content is... 480 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:39,430 ...somewhat personal. 481 00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:44,359 If it fell into the wrong hands it could be disastrous, 482 00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:46,860 especially now that Sir Tim... 483 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:49,440 Sir Tim is... 484 00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:57,764 Was there something else? 485 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:02,479 It was a love letter. 486 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,039 The last one he ever wrote to me. 487 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,879 Oh, bless! 488 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:08,679 You must be devastated. 489 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:14,479 "Poor honest lord, brought low by his own heart". 490 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:16,839 Did Lady Forbes-Allen know? 491 00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,319 No. 492 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,559 We were meticulously careful. 493 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:25,477 That is, until I was careless enough to lose it. 494 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:29,039 Look, don't worry. 495 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:30,957 We'll find your letter. 496 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,154 Do you want a satsuma? 497 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,159 I mean, fair do's, Frank. You actually called that. 498 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:42,199 See? 499 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,799 It just goes to show you that even someone as unrefined as myself 500 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,439 can be finely attuned to the foibles of human nature. 501 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:49,199 Do you think Athena really didn't know? 502 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,559 That was your cue to say "You're not unrefined, Frank." 503 00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:52,639 I mean, imagine. 504 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:53,959 Imagine finding out that 505 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:57,319 your husband has been writing love letters to a man half your age. 506 00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:58,640 Hm. 507 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,160 Oh! 508 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:05,999 What's going on? 509 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,839 It's Keeler. 510 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,924 Says I'm a bottom-feeder! 511 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:14,359 Well, if I'm a bottom-feeder, Joe Keeler, at least you and me 512 00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:16,110 are in the same pond! 513 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:21,319 I hope you don't mind me asking... 514 00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:23,559 Loose leaf or bags? 515 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:24,839 Erm... 516 00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:27,239 Always loose! 517 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:32,119 And oolong must be brewed between 85 and 95 degrees, 518 00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:34,519 otherwise the nuances are lost. 519 00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,399 Top tip. We'll remember that, won't we, Frank? 520 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:40,559 Loose, nuances. Roger that. 521 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:42,679 Oo-long! 522 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:44,600 And also, erm... 523 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:49,359 We were wondering if... 524 00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:51,519 If you knew your husband was cheating on you? 525 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:52,880 Oh! 526 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:57,679 Well, where to even begin? 527 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,559 I'm guessing you mean Lucian. 528 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,279 Sweet boy, rather intense. 529 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:06,599 He wasn't the first, of course, and I very much doubt he'd have been 530 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:12,879 the last, though I suspect he was rather more smitten than most. 531 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:14,279 So you knew? 532 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:15,320 Of course. 533 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:20,959 Well, Lucian's hired us to find a letter that Sir Tim wrote to him. 534 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,879 I just wonder if you'd come across it in the last week or so? 535 00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:25,519 'Fraid not. 536 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,319 I'm really sorry to have to bring it up, 537 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,399 because it must be very painful for you. 538 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:30,599 Oh, nonsense! 539 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:34,719 Our marriage survived all manner of peccadilloes - on both sides. 540 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:38,479 It was probably stronger as a result. 541 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:40,519 Really? 542 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,759 What about... 543 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:44,439 ...I dunno - love? 544 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:46,719 Clearly, neither of you are married? 545 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:49,839 - Almost, actually... - No way, never again. - ..but basically no. 546 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:51,039 Indeed. 547 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:55,959 Well, marriage is like yellow. 548 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,799 It doesn't suit everyone. 549 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:00,399 More tea? 550 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:01,760 No, thanks. 551 00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:06,959 Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! 552 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:08,600 Mm... 553 00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:11,519 What's that? 554 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:14,020 It's good for my gut bacteria. 555 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:17,239 So what do we know? 556 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:19,279 Oh, God... 557 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:21,639 That pickled radish is a bad idea. 558 00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:23,399 What was I thinking? Eurgh! 559 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:26,079 I meant about the letter, MasterChef. 560 00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:29,079 Perhaps the better question is, what don't we know? 561 00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:33,559 Well, Athena said she didn't have the letter, and I believe her. 562 00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:34,999 Based on what? 563 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,159 Well, you heard her - she just... 564 00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:40,119 She just didn't seem to... care. 565 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:43,159 As Hazlitt said, "Love turns, with little indulgence, 566 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,559 "to indifference. Hatred alone is immortal." 567 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:47,599 Who's Hazlitt? 568 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,039 No idea. 569 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:51,919 Well, Dr M, she's a museum trustee - maybe she found it? 570 00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:55,159 If Dr M had it, the entire world would know about it. 571 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:57,239 Maybe it's just lost, like gone. 572 00:28:57,240 --> 00:29:00,839 You know, down a drain, in a bin, shredded in someone's rabbit hutch. 573 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:04,439 Lost is not an option, because "lost", may I remind you, 574 00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:05,839 means no fee. 575 00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:09,079 It seems to me like Lucian had it before the kidnapping, 576 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:12,159 but he didn't have it after, so surely the Herstorians have it? 577 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:14,719 What possible use could the Herstorians have for the intimate 578 00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:16,399 musings of their arch enemy? 579 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,039 Yeah, talk about payback time. 580 00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:21,719 So all we need to do is track down the Herstorians. 581 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,919 Did you say just "payback time"? 582 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:26,399 They were going to tattoo that on Lucian's back. 583 00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:29,439 I heard someone say that recently... 584 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:34,357 Yeah, I know, well, one of these days it'll be payback time. 585 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:41,890 Put that in the fridge for me, will you? 586 00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:44,439 Lu? 587 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:46,000 Yeah, coming! 588 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:49,559 Hello? Hi. 589 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:51,639 Oh. Looking for Lucian? 590 00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:54,399 Ah, wanted a quick word with you, if that's OK? 591 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:57,039 Sure. Come in. 592 00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:58,879 Have you met Alvecote Woman? 593 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:00,839 She's usually up in the Copthorne Gallery. 594 00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:03,319 I'm hoping she doesn't mind being down here now, 595 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:06,519 since she's been in a peat bog since the Bronze Age. 596 00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:07,879 Is that an elbow that's... 597 00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:09,599 Oh, don't answer that. 598 00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:11,399 Listen, I'm going to cut to the chase. 599 00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:13,734 We know you're a Herstorian. 600 00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:15,679 Ah... 601 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,119 - Oh... - Lu? 602 00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:18,559 Don't leave me in here with her. 603 00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:20,719 Lu! 604 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:22,159 How could we have lost her? 605 00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:25,039 I don't know. But I am not looking in any more storage boxes, 606 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:26,559 I'll tell you that for free. 607 00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:29,079 Oh, for God's sake... 608 00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:31,359 I didn't catch that. 609 00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:32,479 Jasra? 610 00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:36,639 Please choose your speech and press the orange button. 611 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:39,119 Look, we're not police - we just want to ask you something. 612 00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:41,399 Yeah. Lucian asked us to find a letter, and we thought 613 00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:42,759 the Herstorians might have it. 614 00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:44,039 What letter? 615 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:47,239 It's a love letter, actually, to Lucian from Sir Tim. 616 00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:48,439 We didn't kill him. 617 00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:49,719 We're not here for that. 618 00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:52,159 We just thought he might have lost it when you kidnapped him. 619 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,119 Nope. The Herstorians don't have it. 620 00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:56,037 How can you be so sure? 621 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:58,999 Because I'm their leader. 622 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:00,359 You? 623 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,639 Wait. If Lucian and Sir Tim were lovers, 624 00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:05,439 then there was something. 625 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:08,919 The evening Sir Tim was stabbed, he'd just got back from London. 626 00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:10,239 No, it's too late! 627 00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:12,119 Just tell me what I need to do to make it right. 628 00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,279 You know what to do - you simply refuse to do it. 629 00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:15,760 Lucian, listen! 630 00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:20,879 So Lucian lied to us. 631 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,479 He said the last time he saw Sir Tim was at the museum opening. 632 00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:27,980 I think it's time we paid our lovelorn curator a visit. 633 00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:31,679 Sarge... 634 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:34,879 You might want to come down to the front desk. 635 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:36,560 Yeah, now, I reckon. 636 00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:41,879 So it's Marie Corelli? 637 00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:44,279 One R and two Ls? 638 00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:45,864 Right, take a seat. 639 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:49,439 I don't suppose any of you have any ID? 640 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:51,599 Right, what is so important? 641 00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:53,039 Ah, Sarge. 642 00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:56,199 Here we have Mary Arden, Marie Corelli, Annie Justins 643 00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:57,559 and Elisabeth Scott. 644 00:31:57,560 --> 00:31:58,679 And? 645 00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:00,879 They all claim to have killed Sir Tim. 646 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:02,319 What, all four of them? 647 00:32:02,320 --> 00:32:03,399 Five actually. 648 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:05,279 The Angel of Stratford just popped to the loo. 649 00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:06,479 What? 650 00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:08,759 Ah, here she is - Emily Minet. 651 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:14,039 Well, whoever they are, get 'em off my front desk and into custody. 652 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:18,040 Let's see what Middleton's got to say about this. 653 00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:20,040 Lucian? 654 00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:26,319 We'll just have to doorstep him at work tomorrow. 655 00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:29,199 Do you think he's all right? Did you see his little misery pit? 656 00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:32,200 Candle and photos, box of tissues... 657 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:38,239 Lucian? It's Frank Hathaway, just checking you're all right. 658 00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:41,240 Er, give us a call when you get this. 659 00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:43,599 I'm just going to say it out loud. 660 00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:46,519 I think that Lucian going missing at this point is a little bit suspect. 661 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:48,039 Should we call the police? 662 00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:49,957 Not enough information. 663 00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:53,457 Guess we call it a day, then. 664 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:02,039 My gosh! I'm, so sorry Frank. 665 00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:04,080 It must be the pickles. 666 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:11,137 How should I know if it's a hungry cry or a tired cry? 667 00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:16,279 What...? She's a baby! What's she got to be angry about? 668 00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:18,119 I've got to go, babe. 669 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:20,999 Sorry, Custody Sarge wants to know how long 670 00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:23,639 we're keeping the ladies? He's worried about the backlog. 671 00:33:23,640 --> 00:33:25,879 Those bloody Herstorians. 672 00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:28,119 Mary Arden. That should have been a give-away. 673 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:30,999 There's also got Annie Justins, Stratford's first female mayor, 674 00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:33,359 and Elisabeth Scott - she designed the RSC building. 675 00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:36,999 Did it not occur to you that they're all dead? 676 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,239 I don't know why, but those women trying to do a Spartacus - 677 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,324 and I am not having it. 678 00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:48,240 Yes, ma'am. 679 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:51,719 In hindsight, yes. 680 00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:53,079 Yeah. 681 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:55,720 Publicity stunt, hm, of course. 682 00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:58,480 What? All of them? 683 00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:01,360 Immediately. Yes. 684 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:04,040 Yes, ma'am. 685 00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,479 Well done, girls! 686 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,719 Oh, hello! 687 00:34:09,720 --> 00:34:11,919 Thank you. 688 00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:16,879 I have a message to those who condemn us for throwing a stone 689 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:18,639 at the window of patriarchy 690 00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:21,599 by confessing to a murder we didn't commit. 691 00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:25,999 I give you the wisdom of Emmeline Pankhurst, 692 00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:28,799 "The argument of the broken window pane 693 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:31,799 "is the most valuable argument in modern politics." 694 00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:33,479 - Yes?! - Yeah! 695 00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:36,319 Yes! So, let's break some windows! 696 00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:38,440 Yeah! 697 00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:49,519 Clock's ticking, Frank. Come on. 698 00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:51,639 Yeah, I'm just checking the message board again. 699 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:53,799 You don't think we should offer a reward, do you? 700 00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,759 How much, for a letter that's basically worth nothing to anyone? 701 00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:58,039 Except one person. 702 00:34:58,040 --> 00:35:01,479 The mild-mannered curator who loves his mum and his bicycle, 703 00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:04,239 but who also possibly murdered his lover in a jealous rage. 704 00:35:04,240 --> 00:35:05,999 Surprise visitor. 705 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:09,239 - Don't suppose you've seen Lucian? - No. Why? Haven't you? 706 00:35:09,240 --> 00:35:11,119 He was in this morning, then he went out, 707 00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,639 - said he was going to "meet the monster". - The monster? 708 00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:14,799 Yeah, I'm not going to lie, 709 00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:16,839 he had this kind of dangerous gleam in his eye. 710 00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:20,839 - That doesn't sound good. - Then I found this on his desk. 711 00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:23,239 "It was I who stole them both, 712 00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:24,999 "The life cannot be returned, 713 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,159 "But the letter awaits thee this day, 714 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:28,879 "in the Woods, at the eleventh hour." 715 00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:31,719 Ah, brilliant! A riddle. That's all we need...! 716 00:35:31,720 --> 00:35:33,999 Simple, the murderer has the letter. 717 00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,519 Obviously, they can't return Sir Tim... 718 00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:38,399 Oh, but they can return the letter. 719 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,359 In the woods? What woods? Any woods? 720 00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:43,119 They've made a mistake, they've written "Woods" with a capital W. 721 00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:46,037 Hang on. What if it's not a mistake? 722 00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:53,679 - It's a street, Woods Lane. - Do you think Lucian's in danger? 723 00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:56,159 Or is he the danger? 724 00:35:57,520 --> 00:35:58,919 Look, Frank! 725 00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:03,319 Look! Come on! We need to be quick. No time to explain. 726 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:07,280 - How do you know she wrote the note? - The Ts, Athena's Ts. 727 00:36:07,281 --> 00:36:11,448 - What?! - Find the cheque. You'll see what I mean. 728 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:19,399 What? 729 00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:23,150 - Oh, yeah. A few snacks in there. - "A few"?! 730 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:30,719 The Ts! The Ts are the same. 731 00:36:30,720 --> 00:36:32,839 Ah, the Ts! 732 00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:37,239 I thought you were having some sort of posh caffeine withdrawal. 733 00:36:37,240 --> 00:36:40,119 - We should call the police. - What you doing? 734 00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:43,204 I do this every day, Frank, I do know! 735 00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:45,439 Watch the wall! 736 00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:47,279 Where are you going? 737 00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:48,799 I'm going round! 738 00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:51,159 - The entrance is there! - Yes, I know that, Frank, 739 00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:53,160 I have done this before. 740 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:58,837 Come on! She could have left the country by now! 741 00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:01,559 - There we go! - Right. - See? 742 00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:02,759 Right. 743 00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:03,999 Go, go, go! 744 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:07,834 I am going at the correct speed for the tunnel. 745 00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:12,244 Let me do it! 746 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,839 - Thank God! He's gone mad! - Stay where you are! 747 00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:18,599 Let's talk about this. 748 00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:20,759 She's the murderer, not me, 749 00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:22,839 so don't speak to me like I'm some petulant child! 750 00:37:22,840 --> 00:37:24,199 Stop acting like one! 751 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,399 - Lucian, just give me the knife. - No. 752 00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:27,999 Anyway, it's not a knife, 753 00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:30,199 it's Sir Tim's garnet-encrusted letter opener, 754 00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:31,839 and I'm not afraid to use it! 755 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:33,879 - Please don't. - Why not? 756 00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:36,159 Because she doesn't deserve it. 757 00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:40,079 Her plan was to make me eat every single one of those letters... 758 00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:42,759 Washed down with Tim's favourite red. I'm not a monster. 759 00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:44,519 ...and then murder me in cold blood. 760 00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:46,199 So, I'd say she does deserve it. 761 00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:48,959 She deserves to be tried by a jury in a court of law. 762 00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:50,559 I want the truth! 763 00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:52,959 And I want to hear it from you. 764 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:54,799 Want, want, want... 765 00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:58,879 The whining, needy voice of the avocado-on-toast generation! 766 00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:01,160 Athena, maybe you could just try and cooperate a bit? 767 00:38:01,161 --> 00:38:01,919 Fine! 768 00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:05,039 She killed him over a letter! 769 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,079 It wasn't just a letter - 770 00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:10,759 though finding that squalid note on the museum floor 771 00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:12,119 was a low point - 772 00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:16,119 it was all the other letters, the photographs, 773 00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:19,160 the nauseating love tokens! 774 00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:45,680 What is it, Athena? 775 00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:53,120 I've had a roasting from those Arts Council despots. 776 00:38:55,640 --> 00:39:00,319 I've got mutinies breaking out right, left and... 777 00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:01,919 Oh... 778 00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:03,587 We had an agreement. 779 00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:08,600 Ah. 780 00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:14,839 I can't do this any more. 781 00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:16,679 No. No! 782 00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:19,239 You don't get to revise the rules. 783 00:39:19,240 --> 00:39:22,999 We are both allowed a measure of freedom, 784 00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:24,919 as long we don't fall in love. 785 00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:26,799 Well, I... 786 00:39:26,800 --> 00:39:30,280 I didn't mean to, but I did. 787 00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:33,279 And so did he. 788 00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:36,399 Nonsense! We're married! 789 00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:38,079 That's how it's always been, 790 00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:40,919 and that is the way it will continue to be, 791 00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:45,839 so tell that... boy that it's over and we'll say no more about it. 792 00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:49,600 I'm sorry, Athena. I'm leaving you. 793 00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:05,319 Now! Now, steady, darling. You could actually hurt someone with those. 794 00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:08,319 Well, "darling", 795 00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:13,404 maybe you should know how it feels to be stabbed in the heart! 796 00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:17,079 Tim? 797 00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:19,414 I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! 798 00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:23,857 You actually really loved him, didn't you? 799 00:40:24,280 --> 00:40:27,839 Even though you tried to convince the whole world you didn't care. 800 00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:31,424 I probably even convinced him I didn't care. 801 00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:34,119 He was the love of my life! 802 00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:36,799 No, he was the love of MY life! 803 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:38,279 Please... 804 00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:40,599 ...don't do anything you can't undo. 805 00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:42,839 Don't listen to her - do it! 806 00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:45,279 Kill me, go to prison. 807 00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:48,614 The world will be better off without you. 808 00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,119 Stop her! 809 00:40:57,120 --> 00:41:00,839 5960 on scene, further assistance required, over. 810 00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:05,174 Where's a battalion of Herstorians when you need one? 811 00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:07,079 Lucian's having a lie down, 812 00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:09,519 then he's going to present himself at the police station. 813 00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:11,599 - Is that necessary? - Might be a charged with ABH 814 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:14,079 after his little tango with Sir Tim's letter opener. 815 00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:17,399 Lady Forbes-Allen, are you all right? 816 00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:19,439 Actually, I'm somewhat relieved. 817 00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:22,239 Yes, I can imagine that the life of a fugitive 818 00:41:22,240 --> 00:41:25,907 not being quite your cup of... oolong, is it? 819 00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:29,959 I had to abandon my doctoral thesis some years ago. 820 00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:32,799 I'm quite looking forward to having time in prison to finish it. 821 00:41:32,800 --> 00:41:34,679 Good for you. 822 00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:38,959 The title is Shakespeare Was A Woman, The Incontrovertible Truth. 823 00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:42,839 Hathaway, sticking your fingers in other people's pies, as usual, eh? 824 00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:44,919 Pulled you out a murderer, though, didn't I? 825 00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:48,319 - Yeah? You seem pretty sure about that. - Bottom feeders' instinct. 826 00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:50,159 It behoves... 827 00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:55,359 It behoves you to take it from here, Detective Sergeant Keeler. 828 00:41:55,360 --> 00:41:57,110 Stick her in the car. 829 00:41:58,360 --> 00:42:04,959 You know, the only statue of a woman in this town is of Lady Macbeth, 830 00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:08,280 a figment of Shakespeare's imagination. 831 00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:13,399 I didn't know that about the statues, did you? 832 00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:16,317 No. Definitely time things changed. 833 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:20,719 When are women going to stop banging on about their rights? 834 00:42:20,720 --> 00:42:23,519 All I want now is my right to a pint in the Mucky Mallard. 835 00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:27,604 - Of course. I'll run you over, shall I? - Thanks. 836 00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:31,879 When you say you'll "run me over", 837 00:42:31,880 --> 00:42:34,159 you don't mean... do you? 838 00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:35,679 Lu? 839 00:42:35,680 --> 00:42:37,400 - Lu? - Frank.